李泰民 ☼ (taeminnie) wrote,
李泰民 ☼
taeminnie

it's always darkest before the dawn

So. This is going to be a long introspective look at my life. Hm, imagine that. Not like I've spent the last year doing that or anything lol. So the last year has been bad, obviously. Lately it's become so hard that I've considered suicide. I keep coming back to it, and thinking, it would be so easy, it would make the pain stop. And fuck, all I've wanted was for the pain and the confusion and everything to just stop. I can't live in my own head anymore. It never stops, it never gives me a break and sometimes I just feel like screaming, ripping my hair out, hurtling myself off a cliff. Just to make it stop. I need it to stop.

And I keep saying I'll fix it, I'll get out. But today I just thought, how the fuck do I make it stop? And then I started to laugh, like you know, those hysterical laughs that make you look like a lunatic. Because I realized that I've been going about this the complete wrong way. I keep looking for /something/ to make it better. Shopping. The gym. An instant fix. But sitting here, I realize that this isn't an instant fix, something you sleep off. I'm going to be scarred, but it doesn't have to be shameful, a secret, I can use this moment in my life to remind myself that I can be at my lowest and come out stronger for it. I can use the experience to build character, to be a better person.

I think it sounds funny to hear an eighteen year old say she's going to soul search. I, in no way, think that I'm going to 'find myself' or discover some life-shattering truth. But I have so many preconceived notions about how a life should be lived. What I need to do to live it to it's fullest. And lately I've been thinking I need to yell a giant fuck you to those notions because society's structure on how a life should be lived or what a 'normal' person should do or think, doesn't equate to happiness. Fuck, I've lived my life never doing a single thing wrong, excelling in all areas of my life, and wow, look where it's gotten me. I don't think I've ever made a single drastic bad decision in my life. And to me, what used to feel like something to be proud of seems like a failure now. Not that I think I should go out and party and fuck up, but I'm so scared to even live, to step out of these well-defined comfort area that I'm letting so much of life pass me by. By doing what other people have expected of me, by trying to make other people happy, I've sacrificed my own happiness.

So I'll live in Korea and not start university for two years. I'll write my rl fanfiction. I will dress however the hell I want. I'll stop being so afraid. It won't happen over night, it'll be a process, I'll need to work hard and actively seek happiness. But it'll be worth it, to smile genuinely and be okay with my life. Because even if I turn out to be gay, or just some Asia obsessed loser, it's all a step towards the life I'm destined to lead. Because who is society to make me feel not worth it, /who am I/ to take part in making myself feel less than worthy. When it comes down to it, life is about happiness. For some reason, when I think of the meaning of life, that's what comes to mind. At the end of the day, no matter where I am or what I am doing, I want to be happy. And there is nothing shameful about that.
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