stock: calmcollected

friends only


     
  80% ramblings,15% stupidity, 5% hot guys - 100% obsessed
If you would like to get a little more personal, friendship is required

Comment to be added and read at your own risk
[reasons i didn't add you]
+ we've never spoken
+ you didn't comment here
+ you haven't commented anywhere
+ i have no clue who you are
+ random adds
+ you have a blank journal (or very, very few entries)
original image is not mine, it was saved on my on my computer. i just edited it. let me know if it's yours.
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    peaceful peaceful
stock: calmcollected

FARARARARARA: A K-POP CHRISTMAS FRIENDING MEME

FARARARARARA: A K-POP CHRISTMAS FRIENDING
MEME


le rules:

Taeminnie says: LET'S ALL BE FRIENDS :D and you can't ignore Taemin, can you?

Yes, I did just copy the basic layout of my last one. I'm not technologically gifted okay. Let's just carry on.

Copy and paste the HTML below. Fill it out. You’re already done!

Don’t gif spam. One gif per person is preferred.

If you’re not an LJ user, you can use your Facebook or Twitter! But, this does not give the right to troll. If it’s reported, I will ban you.

All fandoms are welcome!

Spread the love!

(can we all just ignore that i can't do computer stuff worth shit. IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.)


<b>name:</b> here

<b>age:</b> here

<b>whereabouts:</b> here

<b>fandoms: </b> here

<b>pairings:</b> here

<b>biases:</b>

<b>anything else?:</b> here
<b>twitter:</b> here

<b>tumblr:</b> here
<b>
the obligatory gif spot:</b>


Photobucket
taemin: mic

it's always darkest before the dawn

So. This is going to be a long introspective look at my life. Hm, imagine that. Not like I've spent the last year doing that or anything lol. So the last year has been bad, obviously. Lately it's become so hard that I've considered suicide. I keep coming back to it, and thinking, it would be so easy, it would make the pain stop. And fuck, all I've wanted was for the pain and the confusion and everything to just stop. I can't live in my own head anymore. It never stops, it never gives me a break and sometimes I just feel like screaming, ripping my hair out, hurtling myself off a cliff. Just to make it stop. I need it to stop.
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taemin: mic

okay im not good with words but bb this is what i have to say.

You are my best friend. Let's start with that. I know youre fucked up, I'm fucked up too. It works okay, somehow. But what Ive never wanted was our fucked up-edness to bring each other down. We've gone through a lot together in our short time, and all I want is for us to get better /together/. I'm suicidal. You cut. It's fucked up beyond sense. But I believe, that we can get past this. Not over night, not in a month, it'll take time. We'll definitely never forget this point in our life. But I want that to help us better ourselves.

I've never met someone who is so caring, to like a fault seriously, beautiful, funny, passionate, compassionate, amazing, smart, not to mention a fucking genious of a writer. I know you don't see this, just like I don't see what you say about me in myself. But if I could ask anything of you, it would be to sit down, read this, and re-read this until even if you don't believe it, you've memorized it. And everytime you pull out that razor or knife, I want you to remember this and remember that you have somebody behind you. Somebody who cares about you more than you fucking can comprehend. You are family to me. You are my sister. And fuck it, you are so worth it. You are so worth life.

I'm not just saying that superficially. All I've ever wanted was for you to open up to me. I don't care if you don't want to burden me. It's not a burden if I want it. When you feel like dirt? You pick up that phone at fucking four am i dont care and you call me. I don't care if it's awkward, I don't care if you're scared of my reaction. Nothing is going to push me away, okay. Yes sometimes I get caught up in my own life. And I seriously apologize for that a million times over. I feel like you've done nothing but help me so much and I've neglected you at times. But not anymore. When I say you can tell me anything, I mean it. Call me up at 5 fucking in the morning and tell me you're hungry. We'll talk.

Remember that time we drove up that past that golf course and burned all our bad thoughts and tossed them off the cliff? We will do that as many times over until those thoughts really do float away with the ashes. We are persistent little bitches, and we will overcome this. Not eventually, not maybe. We. Will. Overcome. This. And no I cant say that from experience but I can still say it with certainty. All we have to do is keep living.

You constantly talk about how you think I am way worse off than you, that you're probably not even depressed, that you are just being a whiner. God, I don't even know how to say this. It kills me to think that you can't even give yourself that. You can't even give yourself acknowledgement for being in pain. You are worth so much. Maybe not to yourself, but to me, your mom, your family, your friends. You are so important that god, I keep pausing cause I dont know how to word this to stress it enough. You are so fucking important. And I love you so much.

I think what's worse for me, is I don't know what to say to make it stop for you. I can't even help myself, how can I help you? But I will help you. Every fucking day I am texting you telling you something good about you and to tell you I love you. If you won't get a counselor, I will be your counselor. I don't have a fucking degree but I can empathize and I will send you Shinee gifs, porn, fucking friendship fanfiction (if that even exists i don't even know) and I will listen to everything you have to say. Because we will get through this. Together. And when we are twenty-three and having the fucking time of our life, we will look back on this and think, it was so painful, it was so hard but we overcame it. Look how strong we are now.

I seriously just want to sit here and list out all the amazing things about you and about us. So I will. The way you text me just to make sure my day is going. The way we can talk for hours and hours and just never run out of things to say. The way that when you love something, you are /so/ passionate about it. The way you're new fucking fabulous hair looks. The way you are such a fucking techy, and still make it look awesome. The way we watch Asian horror movies and fall asleep watching Disney stuff. The way I introduce you to Arashi and you introduce to me to U-Kiss. The way you would do anything for a friend. The way you are such a fashionista and make me look like a hobo. The way you will just listen, even if I'm being a dork and just am talking to hear my own voice. The way we knock over chairs in public together. The way we blast our kpop and don't even fucking give a shit as the hobo in the park yells about life. The way you are so fucking beautiful. The way you are so open-minded. The way that you've seen me at my fucking worst and still love me. The way you can fucking ace your classes like a motherfucker and leave me like what is life. You are so damn amazing. You are so fucking perfect and lovely and just. The bestest best friend I could ask for.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Everything happens because it's meant to. I believe that you and me met. That you and me are going through this because we were meant to. And it seems like why would this happen to anyone sometimes. But once we get over this, we will be stronger, we will be closer, we will be able to fucking handle anything. Because when you've been on the edge, and you get over it only amazing things can happen. After this, amazing amazing amazing things are waiting for us. And one day we will laugh and smile and not hide our pain, because there won't be any. I believe that with everything in my being.

I love you. Keep holding on. You are worth it, life is worth it. You are important, and so, so loved. Just, for me bb, promise me something. That you and me will get better together. And one day when we burn our thoughts, they will be "plane tickets to korea are expensive" or "our cute fucking boyfriends play too many video games". There's so much to come bb, a rollercoaster of ups and downs, and when it comes, you will be strong enough to deal. 

taemin: peace

A new beginning :)

MEEEEEEEEE
me smiling :3

First off, I'm sorry for worrying everybody. I really think that cutting myself was the rock bottom I needed to really give me the kick start back into life. I talked to my mom and were calling the mental health centre. I'm going through and private locking all my negative posts and this'll be a new beginning. I've decided to go to Japan and Korea for a couple months next summer and I'm ready to work towards getting better. Thank you guys for everything, it really, really means more to me than I can express. I'm ready to get back into life (and LJ AND TWITTER) and start again. I love you guys.
taemin: mic

F*CK BACK TO SCHOOL: A FRIENDING MEME

F*CK BACK TO SCHOOL: A FRIENDING
MEME


le rules:

► Taeminnie says: LET'S ALL BE FRIENDS :D and you can't ignore Taemin, can you?

► Yes, I did just copy the basic layout of my last one. I'm not technologically gifted okay. Let's just carry on.

► Copy and paste the HTML below. Fill it out. You’re already done!

► Don’t gif spam. One gif per person is preferred.

► If you’re not an LJ user, you can use your Facebook or Twitter! But, this does not give the right to troll. If it’s reported, I will ban you.

► All fandoms are welcome!

► Spread the love!



<b>name:</b> here

<b>age:</b> here

<b>whereabouts:</b> here

<b>fandoms: </b> here

<b>pairings:</b> here

<b>biases:</b>

<b>anything else?:</b> here
<b>twitter:</b> here

<b>tumblr:</b> here
<b>
the obligatory gif spot:</b>





pimp?:

<a href="http://taeminnie.livejournal.com/35813.html" target="_blank"><div><p style="text-align: center; "><font face="dilleniaupc, serif"><span style="font-size: 64px; "><b>F*CK BACK TO SCHOOL: A FRIENDING
MEME</b></span></font></p></div></a>

stock: calmcollected

I've come to a conclusion :)

I'M POSTING THIS HERE TOO, AS WELL AS musicessay, BECAUSE I WANTED YOU GUYS TO KNOW MY DECISION AS WELL.

If you don't have me on Twitter, you probably don't know how much I've been /agonizing/ about whether or not I should continue writing fanfiction. I don't want this to be some big suspense post, so yes, I've decided I will continue :) And I'd also like to apologize profusely for once again dropping of the map. If that's all you wanted to hear from me, then just skip the rest of this post, it's basically my reasons for stopping and how I plan to continue!


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POINT FORM BECAUSE I'M TOO LAZY TO GO INTO DETAIL.
  • Writing stories is fun. I /love/ to write. I have no plans to become an author or journalist or anything, but I immensely enjoy the relief that writing brings me. It's my own personal outlet. 
  • I don't believe my oppas are really dating. I guess it could classify as my own fantasies. But to be honest, they're really just stories.
  • I'm too lazy to create my own "world". I don't plan on becoming an author, as I said before, so I don't plan on having to learn character creation and other such things. This is only just fun.
  • It brings me closer to fandom. It's really hard for me, believe it or not, to befriend people in fanfiction without a legitimate reason. Writing my stories allows me to connect to other fans, who are just as sane as I am, that enjoy fangirling with me.
  • They will never read this. They won't. It's never going to happen honestly, and I don't want them to read this. This is my own personal way of fangirling. 
  • I don't even honestly think about them when I write. It's almost like they are characters to me. The real people I see in interviews and varity shows, they don't even connect to my stories. I don't even relate them to one another. I respect them as people, and even though most of them have no problem with fanfiction as far as I know, I have never meant to offend anyone. The characters share the same name, and I suppose personalities (though I don't believe the oppas are exactly the way they act on television), but my charcters are just that, characters. 
  • I will continue to write. But I plan on writing plot stories. PWP is fun sometimes, but I feel as if sometimes I'm dumbing myself down as a writer. I've had so many plot ideas for a long time, but PWP is what people like, so I'm guilty of heeding to the reader. If nobody reads once I switch to plots, at least my conscience will be clear.
ALRIGHT. WELL THANKS GUISE. KAY, BYE.
image
stock: readingunderwear

a revelation of sorts: an optimistic post for once



I had a revelation of sorts today. When I type it, it's going to sound stupid because it's hard to express through a keyboard how much this revelation shook me. Even typing it makes me feel lame, but I'm okay with being lame. I'm okay with being me. It's funny how those five words seem to sum up my everything, my anxiety, my stress, my constant worry. They sum up my whole revelation in just a few simple words that took a second to type.

I'm okay being me. 


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So here's what I plan to do (but might not do because it's just how I'm feeling now):
  • I will write my damn fanfiction. I love it. Other people might think it's creepy, but god, I love it so much and it makes me happy. And that's all that really matters.
  • I will smile more. Because it's been proving that smiling, even when you don't mean it, genuinely makes you happy. 
  • I will go out more. I love you guys, but I have an iPhone. I'm fully capable of keeping in touch from the outside world. Because I honestly feel the best when I'm outside, with friends and family, away from technology, and just forgetting about my problems.
  • I will read more books. Because, I still feel my happiest, on a park bench, paperback in hand, lost in some good literature. I'm sometimes anti-social, and that's okay.
  • I will love Korea, and while I'm there I will enjoy myself so much. But until then, I will enjoy life in the moment. Because always living for the future doesn't give you much time to live.
  • I will let myself feel sadness where sadness is unavoidable. But, I will also not dwell in it. I will feel it, let it out and always remember there are happier times to come.
  • I will live my life. God, this is the main one. It's a rollercoaster. There will be sad times, there will be great times and there will be times of utter joy. You take the good with the bad, it's all part of the experience.
  • I will laugh until my stomach hurts. It's so fucking corny, but there's no greater feeling.
  • I will not get so caught up with looks. It's important to take care of yourself, but obsession is never good on any level.
  • I will keep up with my languages. Because I love them for the right reasons. Because ultimately all I want is to connect with people of all ethnicity. 
  • I will keep up my exercise and healthy eating habits. Because I love the feeling, not only the looks, that come with it.
  • I will make new friends. Because, time goes on and friends will come and go. But they make life infinitely better.
  • I will learn all the things I ever wanted to learn. Guitar, French, Japanese.
  • I will not let opportunities pass because of fear. Like sky-diving with my father. I think it'll be amazing!
  • I will write hand-written letters, and keep a written diary. Because paper is a wonderful thing.
  • I will live. That's all there is to it. It's so easy to get caught up in life, but sometimes we just have to stop. Breath. And take it as it comes.

merightnowhappy
Me. Right at this moment. Happy.