You are my best friend. Let's start with that. I know youre fucked up, I'm fucked up too. It works okay, somehow. But what Ive never wanted was our fucked up-edness to bring each other down. We've gone through a lot together in our short time, and all I want is for us to get better /together/. I'm suicidal. You cut. It's fucked up beyond sense. But I believe, that we can get past this. Not over night, not in a month, it'll take time. We'll definitely never forget this point in our life. But I want that to help us better ourselves.
I've never met someone who is so caring, to like a fault seriously, beautiful, funny, passionate, compassionate, amazing, smart, not to mention a fucking genious of a writer. I know you don't see this, just like I don't see what you say about me in myself. But if I could ask anything of you, it would be to sit down, read this, and re-read this until even if you don't believe it, you've memorized it. And everytime you pull out that razor or knife, I want you to remember this and remember that you have somebody behind you. Somebody who cares about you more than you fucking can comprehend. You are family to me. You are my sister. And fuck it, you are so worth it. You are so worth life.
I'm not just saying that superficially. All I've ever wanted was for you to open up to me. I don't care if you don't want to burden me. It's not a burden if I want it. When you feel like dirt? You pick up that phone at fucking four am i dont care and you call me. I don't care if it's awkward, I don't care if you're scared of my reaction. Nothing is going to push me away, okay. Yes sometimes I get caught up in my own life. And I seriously apologize for that a million times over. I feel like you've done nothing but help me so much and I've neglected you at times. But not anymore. When I say you can tell me anything, I mean it. Call me up at 5 fucking in the morning and tell me you're hungry. We'll talk.
Remember that time we drove up that past that golf course and burned all our bad thoughts and tossed them off the cliff? We will do that as many times over until those thoughts really do float away with the ashes. We are persistent little bitches, and we will overcome this. Not eventually, not maybe. We. Will. Overcome. This. And no I cant say that from experience but I can still say it with certainty. All we have to do is keep living.
You constantly talk about how you think I am way worse off than you, that you're probably not even depressed, that you are just being a whiner. God, I don't even know how to say this. It kills me to think that you can't even give yourself that. You can't even give yourself acknowledgement for being in pain. You are worth so much. Maybe not to yourself, but to me, your mom, your family, your friends. You are so important that god, I keep pausing cause I dont know how to word this to stress it enough. You are so fucking important. And I love you so much.
I think what's worse for me, is I don't know what to say to make it stop for you. I can't even help myself, how can I help you? But I will help you. Every fucking day I am texting you telling you something good about you and to tell you I love you. If you won't get a counselor, I will be your counselor. I don't have a fucking degree but I can empathize and I will send you Shinee gifs, porn, fucking friendship fanfiction (if that even exists i don't even know) and I will listen to everything you have to say. Because we will get through this. Together. And when we are twenty-three and having the fucking time of our life, we will look back on this and think, it was so painful, it was so hard but we overcame it. Look how strong we are now.
I seriously just want to sit here and list out all the amazing things about you and about us. So I will. The way you text me just to make sure my day is going. The way we can talk for hours and hours and just never run out of things to say. The way that when you love something, you are /so/ passionate about it. The way you're new fucking fabulous hair looks. The way you are such a fucking techy, and still make it look awesome. The way we watch Asian horror movies and fall asleep watching Disney stuff. The way I introduce you to Arashi and you introduce to me to U-Kiss. The way you would do anything for a friend. The way you are such a fashionista and make me look like a hobo. The way you will just listen, even if I'm being a dork and just am talking to hear my own voice. The way we knock over chairs in public together. The way we blast our kpop and don't even fucking give a shit as the hobo in the park yells about life. The way you are so fucking beautiful. The way you are so open-minded. The way that you've seen me at my fucking worst and still love me. The way you can fucking ace your classes like a motherfucker and leave me like what is life. You are so damn amazing. You are so fucking perfect and lovely and just. The bestest best friend I could ask for.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. Everything happens because it's meant to. I believe that you and me met. That you and me are going through this because we were meant to. And it seems like why would this happen to anyone sometimes. But once we get over this, we will be stronger, we will be closer, we will be able to fucking handle anything. Because when you've been on the edge, and you get over it only amazing things can happen. After this, amazing amazing amazing things are waiting for us. And one day we will laugh and smile and not hide our pain, because there won't be any. I believe that with everything in my being.
I love you. Keep holding on. You are worth it, life is worth it. You are important, and so, so loved. Just, for me bb, promise me something. That you and me will get better together. And one day when we burn our thoughts, they will be "plane tickets to korea are expensive" or "our cute fucking boyfriends play too many video games". There's so much to come bb, a rollercoaster of ups and downs, and when it comes, you will be strong enough to deal.